This is a reprisal from a an entry dated February 26, 2011. I am repeating it because the same thing happened to me today:
Something I might not have shared with you in the past is that, in
the past, I have suffered from crippling panic attacks. It has been a
while since I feared them but, this past week, that has changed.
Out of the blue, this past Tuesday I had a full blown attack. It
popped up, seemingly, out of nowhere. I was so thankful that Isabella
wasn’t with me as I have no idea how she might have reacted to her
Booboo freaking out.
What does one of these attacks look like for me? The pressure in my
chest makes me fear a heart attack. Sometimes some pain in my left arm
almost convinces me. I tend to feel very hot. I believe I said out loud,
“Oh, dear God, help me!” I left my seat in the living room and walked
to the kitchen where I held on to the counter for dear life and
remembered my training from the Claire Weekes book Hope and Help for Your Nerves .
Self talk:
You are having a panic attack
You have survived them before.
Accept that you are having this panic attack
Your heart is a very strong muscle and it will not explode.
Breathe and float through it.
Sounds too simple, right? Well, it took years for me to be able to work through this. Still, it is a horrible experience.
Why am I talking about this? Why do I talk about most things? To get
the word out that we are not alone with our ills and heartaches. I could
write about only rosey, wonderful things happening in my life and you
could say, “Oh, what a lovely life she has!” Well, I do have a pretty
good life but it is not all flowers and butterflys! It has ugliness in
it. However, I always have hope.
Hope. How glorious is hope?! I know that this earthly shell is
temporary and that I have a heavenly home being prepared for me. When I
get there, I will not have panic attacks or fibromyalgia or weight
issues. My Isabella will join me there and her autism will be left
behind (Or maybe not because her autism is part of what makes her so special). My grammy, whose Parkinson’s stole her expressive face, will
greet me with her smile. Oh, what a wonderful hope!
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxiety. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Monday, April 28, 2014
(almost) Unbearable
When we decide to have children, we think of precious newborns, inquisitive toddlers, cuteness and innocence. What we don't think of is an emerging human being with opinions and weaknesses, rebellion and pain.
Seeing one of my children or my granddaughter in pain can do me in. There are times I think it is unbearable. Even prayer and reading the Word of God can have little effect...or so I think...
Last week, there was a night I thought I was going to break, literally. A number of years ago, I was hospitalized (my choice) for depression and anxiety but have grown enough in knowledge and faith to be able to stand up to the demons that plague me.
My precious granddaughter has been going through a rough time and I became so upset that I felt like nothing could bring me strength. People are praying about the situation and there is comfort in that but I was about to crack.
For several months, I have been writing out my prayers so I went to my prayer spot and cried out my pain and the injustice of what is happening to my girl. I reminded God of His promises to those who love Him and trust Him. I laid it all on His broad, broad shoulders.
And I slept well for the first time in a very long time.
Seeing one of my children or my granddaughter in pain can do me in. There are times I think it is unbearable. Even prayer and reading the Word of God can have little effect...or so I think...
Last week, there was a night I thought I was going to break, literally. A number of years ago, I was hospitalized (my choice) for depression and anxiety but have grown enough in knowledge and faith to be able to stand up to the demons that plague me.
My precious granddaughter has been going through a rough time and I became so upset that I felt like nothing could bring me strength. People are praying about the situation and there is comfort in that but I was about to crack.
For several months, I have been writing out my prayers so I went to my prayer spot and cried out my pain and the injustice of what is happening to my girl. I reminded God of His promises to those who love Him and trust Him. I laid it all on His broad, broad shoulders.
And I slept well for the first time in a very long time.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mother's Day and Such
It is just after 10:30 PM this Mother's Day of 2011. It was a good day.
Himself and I grabbed a bite last night - although we had to leave because the place we chose was so crowded I got overwhelmed and we had to take the meal to go. It was better at home anyway!
After church, I started to prepare the meal I am going to serve my parents when they visit tomorrow. We so rarely get to see each other and I want to have something special for them. Sunday afternoons are usually for napping but we had to go to Himself's mom's house. It was so good to see everyone there.
Isabella, at age five, is the oldest of the great-grandchildren. Her cousin Giuliana is just thirteen months old and cousin Tyler is just four weeks old. My poor Bells was so upset at not being the center of attention. When I picked up Tyler, the look on my girl's face was like I had put a knife through her heart.
We sometimes expect to be able to reason with our girl as we would an NT (neuro-typical) child but often we can't. What is going on in her mind; her intelligent, wonderful, complex mind? How does she process what she sees and hears? Is she acting like a brat or like a hurt child unable to understand that our love for other children will never take away from our love for her?
There is a very loaded question in the autism community: if you could take away your child's autism, would you? Some say a resounding, "No!" as if you are insulting their child. Those who are on the spectrum and can answer for themselves often say no.
For the parents and families of people with autism who can not communicate or are afflicted with anxiety and frustration, there is often a resounding, "Yes!"
Would I take away Isabella's autism if I could? Get back to me in a few years when she is no longer an adorable five year old; when other kids can hurt her more than they can now; when she realizes she is "different." I'll let you know then.
For now, I will love her and hug her and joyfully swim in the wonder of her hugs and kisses and her requests to sit with me, sitting so closely I can't tell where she begins and I end. I will hope that she never stops calling me Booboo replacing this special name with the generic names grandmothers go by because Booboo makes me feel special. I will walk to raise money to help others on the spectrum. I will advocate and go to meetings at school and support my daughter as best I can on this journey.
I am not a saint. I am a tired, worn out mom and grandmother not always trying my best but doing what I can when I can. There are times when I just sit and play on my netbook or watch tv and knit. I give myself permission to be lazy whenever possible. Thankfully, my best is good enough for Bells. And that is what matters.
Himself and I grabbed a bite last night - although we had to leave because the place we chose was so crowded I got overwhelmed and we had to take the meal to go. It was better at home anyway!
After church, I started to prepare the meal I am going to serve my parents when they visit tomorrow. We so rarely get to see each other and I want to have something special for them. Sunday afternoons are usually for napping but we had to go to Himself's mom's house. It was so good to see everyone there.
Isabella, at age five, is the oldest of the great-grandchildren. Her cousin Giuliana is just thirteen months old and cousin Tyler is just four weeks old. My poor Bells was so upset at not being the center of attention. When I picked up Tyler, the look on my girl's face was like I had put a knife through her heart.
We sometimes expect to be able to reason with our girl as we would an NT (neuro-typical) child but often we can't. What is going on in her mind; her intelligent, wonderful, complex mind? How does she process what she sees and hears? Is she acting like a brat or like a hurt child unable to understand that our love for other children will never take away from our love for her?
There is a very loaded question in the autism community: if you could take away your child's autism, would you? Some say a resounding, "No!" as if you are insulting their child. Those who are on the spectrum and can answer for themselves often say no.
For the parents and families of people with autism who can not communicate or are afflicted with anxiety and frustration, there is often a resounding, "Yes!"
Would I take away Isabella's autism if I could? Get back to me in a few years when she is no longer an adorable five year old; when other kids can hurt her more than they can now; when she realizes she is "different." I'll let you know then.
For now, I will love her and hug her and joyfully swim in the wonder of her hugs and kisses and her requests to sit with me, sitting so closely I can't tell where she begins and I end. I will hope that she never stops calling me Booboo replacing this special name with the generic names grandmothers go by because Booboo makes me feel special. I will walk to raise money to help others on the spectrum. I will advocate and go to meetings at school and support my daughter as best I can on this journey.
I am not a saint. I am a tired, worn out mom and grandmother not always trying my best but doing what I can when I can. There are times when I just sit and play on my netbook or watch tv and knit. I give myself permission to be lazy whenever possible. Thankfully, my best is good enough for Bells. And that is what matters.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Oh, no, not again...
Something I might not have shared with you in the past is that, in the past, I have suffered from crippling panic attacks. It has been a while since I feared them but, this past week, that has changed.
Out of the blue, this past Tuesday I had a full blown attack. It popped up, seemingly, out of nowhere. I was so thankful that Isabella wasn't with me as I have no idea how she might have reacted to her Booboo freaking out.
What does one of these attacks look like for me? The pressure in my chest makes me fear a heart attack. Sometimes some pain in my left arm almost convinces me. I tend to feel very hot. I believe I said out loud, "Oh, dear God, help me!" I left my seat in the living room and walked to the kitchen where I held on to the counter for dear life and remembered my training from the Claire Weekes book Hope and Help for Your Nerves .
Self talk:
You are having a panic attack
You have survived them before.
Accept that you are having this panic attack
Your heart is a very strong muscle and it will not explode.
Breathe and float through it.
Sounds too simple, right? Well, it took years for me to be able to work through this. Still, it is a horrible experience.
Why am I talking about this? Why do I talk about most things? To get the word out that we are not alone with our ills and heartaches. I could write about only rosey, wonderful things happening in my life and you could say, "Oh, what a lovely life she has!" Well, I do have a pretty good life but it is not all flowers and butterflys! It has ugliness in it. However, I always have hope.
Hope. How glorious is hope?! I know that this earthly shell is temporary and that I have a heavenly home being prepared for me. When I get there, I will not have panic attacks or fibromyalgia or weight issues. My Isabella will join me there and her autism will be left behind. My grammy, whose Parkinson's stole her expressive face, will greet me with her smile. Oh, what a wonderful hope!
Life has been tough lately. My mother-in-law is in poor health and I am the only one not working full-time so I need to be available to her for doctors' appointments. The Girl needs Himself and me to care for Isabella when she is not in school. Two things that have probably brought back the panic attacks.
Things will get better.
Blessings, g
Out of the blue, this past Tuesday I had a full blown attack. It popped up, seemingly, out of nowhere. I was so thankful that Isabella wasn't with me as I have no idea how she might have reacted to her Booboo freaking out.
What does one of these attacks look like for me? The pressure in my chest makes me fear a heart attack. Sometimes some pain in my left arm almost convinces me. I tend to feel very hot. I believe I said out loud, "Oh, dear God, help me!" I left my seat in the living room and walked to the kitchen where I held on to the counter for dear life and remembered my training from the Claire Weekes book Hope and Help for Your Nerves .
Self talk:
You are having a panic attack
You have survived them before.
Accept that you are having this panic attack
Your heart is a very strong muscle and it will not explode.
Breathe and float through it.
Sounds too simple, right? Well, it took years for me to be able to work through this. Still, it is a horrible experience.
Why am I talking about this? Why do I talk about most things? To get the word out that we are not alone with our ills and heartaches. I could write about only rosey, wonderful things happening in my life and you could say, "Oh, what a lovely life she has!" Well, I do have a pretty good life but it is not all flowers and butterflys! It has ugliness in it. However, I always have hope.
Hope. How glorious is hope?! I know that this earthly shell is temporary and that I have a heavenly home being prepared for me. When I get there, I will not have panic attacks or fibromyalgia or weight issues. My Isabella will join me there and her autism will be left behind. My grammy, whose Parkinson's stole her expressive face, will greet me with her smile. Oh, what a wonderful hope!
Life has been tough lately. My mother-in-law is in poor health and I am the only one not working full-time so I need to be available to her for doctors' appointments. The Girl needs Himself and me to care for Isabella when she is not in school. Two things that have probably brought back the panic attacks.
Things will get better.
Blessings, g
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