Oh, no, not again...

Something I might not have shared with you in the past is that, in the past, I have suffered from crippling panic attacks. It has been a while since I feared them but, this past week, that has changed.

Out of the blue, this past Tuesday I had a full blown attack. It popped up, seemingly, out of nowhere. I was so thankful that Isabella wasn't with me as I have no idea how she might have reacted to her Booboo freaking out.


What does one of these attacks look like for me? The pressure in my chest makes me fear a heart attack. Sometimes some pain in my left arm almost convinces me. I tend to feel very hot. I believe I said out loud, "Oh, dear God, help me!" I left my seat in the living room and walked to the kitchen where I held on to the counter for dear life and remembered my training from the Claire Weekes book Hope and Help for Your Nerves .

Self talk:

You are having a panic attack
You have survived them before.
Accept that you are having this panic attack
Your heart is a very strong muscle and it will not explode.
Breathe and float through it.

Sounds too simple, right? Well, it took years for me to be able to work through this. Still, it is a horrible experience.

Why am I talking about this? Why do I talk about most things? To get the word out that we are not alone with our ills and heartaches. I could write about only rosey, wonderful things happening in my life and you could say, "Oh, what a lovely life she has!" Well, I do have a pretty good life but it is not all flowers and butterflys! It has ugliness in it. However, I always have hope.

Hope. How glorious is hope?! I know that this earthly shell is temporary and that I have a heavenly home being prepared for me. When I get there, I will not have panic attacks or fibromyalgia or weight issues. My Isabella will join me there and her autism will be left behind. My grammy, whose Parkinson's stole her expressive face, will greet me with her smile. Oh, what a wonderful hope!

Life has been tough lately. My mother-in-law is in poor health and I am the only one not working full-time so I need to be available to her for doctors' appointments. The Girl needs Himself and me to care for Isabella when she is not in school. Two things that have probably brought back the panic attacks.

Things will get better.

Blessings, g

An Update and a List

After talking with the school bus driver and the aide, it seems that Isabella and A have been "fighting" and that necessitated the change of seats. Nothing was as sinister as The Girl interpreted and I am glad to report this.

As the driver and aide said, I don't care if they have autism, girls will be girls! Amen.

As for a list, I don't believe I have ever written a "bucket list." This is not a bucket list, just things I would like to learn to do:

- a martial art - My brother and I were discussing krav naga, an Israeli form, and it sounds interesting.

- how to play the piano - I know I have mentioned this before and have done nothing to move towards this goal.

- how to fly a helicopter - Yes, I have a problem with heights but still want this.

- how to increase and decrease in knitting and crocheting

- how to control my eating all of the time

- how to be less gullible

- how to dance ballroom style (I've two left feet)

I'm sure there are many more I can add to this list.

What is on yours?

Thanks to The Writer's Kaffeeklatsch for the inspiration for this.

g

Hurting Hearts

My daughter called me this evening to ask why "A" doesn't sit with Bells on the bus any more. Truth be told, I didn't know this. Isabella was obsessed with A and we have had a play date and A came to Bells' birthday party.

When The Girl asked Bells why, all she could say was that A is now sitting with L who is mean. "Is L mean to you, Baby?" "Yes. She makes this face(makes an ugly face) at me.

Although our Bells has come so very far this past year, it is hard to not be able to get the whole story from her. I know I can ask the bus driver and monitor on Monday but this leaves the entire weekend for my daughter to feel badly and fear that her baby is hurting.

Our girl has been going through some changes lately. She is still loving and sweet but she has learned how to throw a wicked tantrum and can shed crocodile tears with the best of them.

On the positive side, she is progressing socially and educationally. We are seeing an improvement in fine motor skills. Her school saw fit to get her physical therapy because, well, she needs it! She falls down a lot and bumps into things. (Yes, we did get her eyes examined.)

Last year, my dear daughter would say, "If only she could tell me what she had for lunch today." This year, our girl can tell you what she had for lunch and who did what during lunch!

Maybe next year we will be hearing what is going on on the school bus in detail from our dear one.

Here We Go Again

In my little part of the Great Atlantic Northeast, it is hit or miss with snow. We are currently experiencing the third significant snow fall of the season. School was canceled a day in advance which is practically unheard of in our small town.

As you may or may not recall, Himself is a BDO or Behavior Detection Officer for the TSA at a major airport. He usually wakes up at 2:30 AM for his 4 AM shift. His drive is usually under fifteen minutes but I suggested he and a few of his buddies get a hotel room at the airport. The worst of the storm is supposed to be during his commute time.

So, The Boy and I are here in our warm home, he in his room probably playing video games and I in my living room,alone,typing this entry and watching an HGTV show I recorded. Ah, bliss. There is a knitting project and a new book on the floor beside me and I am content.

Being alone is fine with me. As a matter of fact, I covet my time alone. Himself doesn't get it and has gone as far as to suggest to at least one person from church to spend time with me so that I wouldn't be alone. Yes, I enjoy time spent with friends and family. But there is nothing wrong with being comfortable in your own skin at times, right?

Isabella is doing well. Can those of you who have watched her grow believe she is now five years old?! She is tall an beautiful and a delight. At times, she tries my patience so that I am sorely tested. Overall, though, we are still happy each time she comes home from school.

Hope you are all content and comfortable in your home and in your own skin.

blessings, g

Major Events Not Withstanding

I always seem to wait to write until I have something important to say. Then I look at other blogs that just say a few words here and there and they can be delightful!

Having such long lapses in my posts is not my ideal and it bothers me. Through blogging, I have met so many wonderful people around the world. I have been able to express my thoughts, dreams, disappointments and triumphs.

Here's to trying to keep in touch more often through this delightful medium!

A Great Explanation of Autism

Really good article to help explain autism: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/lshumaker/detail?entry_id=79564

It's Beginning to look a lot...

...like Valentine's day. Huh? The stores are starting to show their Valentine's wares! Before Christmas.

When I was a kid and a young adult, the stores were "magically" transformed into a winter wonderland overnight for the Friday after Thanksgiving sales. Each year the decorations seem to go up earlier. Maybe that is why I don't feel as though it is Christmas any more.

Isabella doesn't get it yet. She likes the decorations but doesn't really understand that gifts will be given for Jesus' birthday. That's okay. She will enjoy it more without the anxiety of trying to fall asleep on Christmas Eve!

Our Bells has been having some anxiety issues lately which are not uncommon to people on the spectrum. It seems that the more she progresses in some areas the more she regresses in others. Blessedly, we are still ahead of the game.

My wishes for a time a blessings to you all. May the spirit of Christmas reach you and yours as we celebrate God become man.

Much love, g